Missing you

Husband was throwing knives on wife's photo.

All were missing the target!

Suddenly he received a call from her "hi, what are you doing?"

His honest reply,

"MISSING you!"

Relatives

Chess

Chess says everything about men & women.
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The King has to take things one step at a time,while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants...!

Moon

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...

Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be cool & calm like the moon?

Johnny : No, no...

Teacher: oh so u want her to be round and white? 🌕

Johny: No, no...

Teacher: Oh, so u want her to be fair and beautiful like d moon? 🌝

Johny: No, no...I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning;)

Marriage

Girl: If we get married, you must stop smoking.
Boy: Ok.

Girl: Drinking too.
Boy: Ok.

Girl: Going to night clubs too.
Boy: Ok.

Girl: and watching Cricket with your friends too.
Boy: Ok. !!

Girl: What else can you leave?
Boy: The idea of marrying you.

Love

Break Up Advice

Boy : My Girlfriend broke up with me and
sent me pics of her with her new
boyfriend .
Friend : Really Bad , What did you do ?
Boy : I sent those pics to her Dad.......

Tea

There was a family with one kid. 

One day the mother was out and dad was in charge of the 3-year old kid.

Someone had given the kid a little 'tea set' as a birthday gift and it was one of his favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when kid brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for from father for such yummy tea, kid’s Mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the kid bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing !!

Mom waited, and sure enough, the kid comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him,

'Did it ever come to your mind that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet ??

One fine day

Husband to wife :- Today is a fine day.

Next day he says :- Today is a fine day.

Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day.

Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband :-
Since last one week, you are saying this’Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?

Husband :- Last week when we had an argument, you said,”I will leave you one fine day.”I was just trying to remind you

KISS

At a dinner party, husband was about to deliver speech as Guest Speaker, his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to me said, "It looks like your wife has sent you a kiss for good luck. She must love you very much•."

He clarified , "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for 
"Keep it short, stupid.•"

Love Test

My Girlfriend invited me to her home,
I reached there and rang the doorbell,

Her younger sister opened the door ,
She was very beautiful,
She smiled and said that no one was at home,
I smiled and started walking back towards my bike,
.
Then all of her family members came out,
praised my loyalty,
Hugged me,
and,
told me that they would let me marry my girlfriend.


What do I say now?
I was just going back to lock my bike!

Dream

Girlfriend :”Last night I had a dream of you.”
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Boyfriend (got excited):”What was I doing in your dream??”
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Girlfriend replied :”We were traveling in bus,
Suddenly the bus lost control and fell in the river."
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Everyone swam to save their life,
but you were still swimming and
searching for someone.”
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Boyfriend (with luv):”I was searching for you, na?
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Girlfriend said: NO, You were
shouting,
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“A conductor where are you? You did not give my change back”

Intelligence Test

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

Intelligence

WIFE: What would you do if i died?
Would you get married again?

Husband:No...

Wife- Why not?
Don't you like being married?

Husband: Of course i do.

Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

Husband: Ok, ok, i'd get married again...

Wife: Would you live in our house with your
new Wife...?

Husband: Yes, it's a great house.

Wife: Would you let her drive my car ?

Husband: Yes, its almost new, dear .

Wife: Would you give her my jewelry?

Husband: No..
I am sure she would want her own..

Wife: Would she wear my shoes..?

Husband: No, her size is '5'

Wife:--silence-

Husband:
'shit'...!!!

Holiday

Wife was busy packing her clothes. 
Husband: and where are u going? 

Wife: I'm moving to my mother. 

Even the Husband starts packing.
Wife: and where do u think your going?

Husband: I'm also moving to my mother.
Wife: and what about the kids?

Husband: well if you are moving to your mother
and I'm moving to my mother then
I guess they must also move to their mother....

Forest

Jack lived in a forest along with his family
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Once when he was wandering in the forest he found piece of mirror
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He saw his own picture in the mirror and thought that it was his father
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He took the mirror to his den
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He started speaking to the mirror daily
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His wife wanted to know to whom was her husband talikng to everyday
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So in the absence of her husband she quietly went and looked at the mirror
and said
"So this is that bitch, whom my husband talks to everyday!"
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She take the mirror to her mother-in-law and then explains everything.
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Seeing the mirror her mother-in-law replies
"No Problem dear,
 She's very old and will die soon"

Visitors

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
...
Once she's done,she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

Husband says : "Hi Darling, Your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom.

Hope you said Hello to them.."

Girls

Boys: I found Aladin's lamp today..

Girl: wow, what did u ask for darling ??

Boy: I asked him to increase your memory power by ten times..

Girl: oh..dear..luv u so much...did he do that ??

Boy: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on
ZERO....

Travel Jokes - Divorce

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister.

She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying for their own airfares."

Marriage jokes - Smart Phone!

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:

- I want my husband to have eyes only for me

- I want to be the only one in his life

- I want him to sleep always by my side

- I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.

The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone